Vulnerability is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. (Brene Brown)
Several weeks ago I created a survey about authenticity that was filled out by ninety-one anonymous individuals. The survey was posted on my social media accounts and in various college group chats, so it should be assumed the population surveyed consisted of mostly individuals from 17 to 22 years of age. At one point in the survey, I asked participants if they ever held back from sharing their thoughts, emotions, or beliefs in relationships because of fear of other people's reactions. 67% of participants selected yes. Those who selected yes were directed to a follow-up question encouraging them to disclose (if they were comfortable doing so) what kind of information they withheld from relationships and what it was they were afraid would happen if they shared. The majority of responses were motivated by two patterns of thinking:
- Don’t share to avoid confrontation
- Don’t share to avoid shame and judgment.
Both of these are rooted in the same emotion: fear.
Researcher Brené Brown has spent years studying shame, vulnerability, and courage. In her research, Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feelings or experiences of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” In this very social world, relationships are the fabric of our society. As a result, we live with a deep fear of being rejected and alone. This fear has been at least partially responsible for the astronomical growth of a whole other world—a digital world—where we can be interacting with others constantly. This need to “fit in” and be accepted is nearly universally desired and dictates much of what we say and do, even if it means sacrificing our authentic selves and limiting how open we’re willing to be with others. So how on Earth do we start rejecting this fear-mentality and begin cultivating our authentic selves?
Psychologist Joseph Stevens says, “Authenticity requires us to be able to overcome our desire to fit in and be part of the crowd. The authentic person is not fearless, but is willing to feel their fear to be authentic.” Being your authentic self is a practice. You have to want it and put in the work to achieve it. It requires an incredible amount of self-awareness and vulnerability. You need to take the time to get to know yourself.
In a previous post, I mentioned a few ways I’ve worked on this myself. In addition, another way I worked on this involved sitting down and writing out a list of every happy memory I could think of, making note of who I was with and what I was doing, then looking for patterns across them.
In that process, I found I needed to challenge the way I was thinking. I started rejecting the “I should” mentality and shifting towards an “I want to” outlook. That is, what do I truly want to do? What would be best for me? 80 years from now, when I look back on my life, what will I regret not doing the most?
To overcome my preoccupation with what others think of me, I took a close look at each of my relationships. In each relationship, I looked at parts of myself I was holding back and asked why I didn’t feel comfortable showing those parts of me to that person. Life is too short to spend it surrounded by people who don’t accept you for who you are. They don’t have to like 100% of you, but if they don’t accept it all as “you,” then they don’t deserve a starring role in your life. If they really care about you, then your vulnerability will end up being rewarded with theirs.