As I mentioned in Reason and Emotion Part I, in his book, The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt uses the metaphor of a rider on the back of an elephant to describe the relationship between reason and emotion, between our logical/rational selves and our intuitive/subconscious selves. Haidt says the rider is our reasoning self. This is where we list pros and cons, weigh evidence, and pursue logical decisions. The elephant is our intuition, our subconscious, emotional selves. When the rider and elephant are in agreement, they wander where the rider guides them. But when they disagree, the elephant is the one making the decisions. I also mentioned that some have suggested our brains are capable of processing around 11 million bits of information per second, but our conscious minds only attend to about 40ish bits per second. That’s a huge discrepancy, and one worth noting when it comes to interacting with people we care about.
I bring this up here in Part Deux because my wife and I are having a recurring argument wherein she says (repeatedly) I don’t listen to her. (Of course, my immediate response is to say, “What?” but I never get the laugh I’m going for.) She’ll swear up and down that she told me something THREE TIMES, yet I’m certain I’ve never heard it before. Now, on occasion, later I realize she DID tell me whatever it was at least once, but admitting that to her would be tantamount to surrender, and who’s mature enough to do that? But, and I say this sincerely, most of the time I legitimately do not remember her mentioning it. Seriously. I’m not just saying that. Like, she’ll say, “Did you buy the four things of cream cheese and the lemon juice?” I’ll say, “What are you talking about? What cream cheese and lemon juice?” With exasperation, she’ll say, “I told you THREE TIMES to pick up four things of cream cheese and a bottle of lemon juice at the store! You never listen to a thing I say!” You’d think I’d remember something as simple as picking up a few things at the grocery store, especially when she told me THREE TIMES what she wanted. But I don’t remember her saying it even once. So obviously, I never listen to her.
Now, it’s entirely possible she only thought she said it, and it’s also possible she said it and I really wasn’t listening, but either way, we’ve got a problem.
(“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can’t reach…”)
Assuming the issue is me not listening to what she’s saying, an obvious part of the problem is that I’m not selecting her/what she’s saying to be among the 40-ish bits of information I’m paying conscious attention to in any given second. Instead, I’m focusing on something else that, in the moment, seems more worthy. Maybe I’m invested in something that has my full attention (like, she walks in during the last two minutes of extra time of a soccer game I’ve been watching for over ninety minutes and asks me to put a package of cream cheese and a bag of lemons on the shopping list). Or maybe I’m writing a blog post on paying attention and she interrupts and tells me she’s leaving me and running away with her yoga instructor, and I say, “Drive safe” as I keep writing.
Whatever she’s saying, it’s entirely possible my brain never really shifts its attention her way, so while I may HEAR what she’s saying (within the 11 million bits of info around me), I don’t take it into my 40 focused bits and store the info somewhere useful like a grocery list. Again, in the view of the rider of MY elephant, it’s equally plausible she only thought she told me when she didn’t…though she has a tendency to think my rider has a drinking problem and will continue to say she told me THREE TIMES to get a package of provolone cheese and some lemon Jell-O at the grocery store.
In my defense, it’s not that I don’t think she’s important. (Of course, I do! Everything she does and says is important! Just ask her and she’ll tell you!) I’m just plain limited and easily distracted. I also don’t sort the info I encounter logically and in ways that ensure I remember the most important things going on in any given moment. Do the last few minutes of a soccer game really matter, especially when I can hit pause and still watch it in a minute when she’s done talking? Or could I ask her to hold that thought just two more minutes as I finish typing a sentence, then focus on what she’s saying? (Wait. What did she say about her yoga instructor? When did she start doing yoga?)
Understanding the need to be intentional in directing our limited focus is essential if we’re going to actually listen to one another and avoid arguments about who did or didn't say something. It can also help to acknowledge how small a role our logic may be playing in deciding who and what we’re listening to at any given moment. The game FEELS important right then, but later when I’m searching through the grocery store for sour cream and lemonade, I may not even remember who was playing. Can I train myself to prioritize things she’s saying? Can I listen to her more intentionally? Of course, I can. And I'll keep working on it (as soon as I finish this blog post).