Let’s face it: one of the main things most people want out of life is to find true love. Our society is filled with songs, movies, books, ads, and celebrations that are centered around this ideal of love. We see and know of couples who are in love and look so happy and content. Most of us are excited for our friends who are in relationships, but sometimes we can’t help but feel a bit envious of them and their happiness. We desire a significant other, someone we can have fun and laugh with, as well as confide in and depend on. We hope for a partner with whom we can happily spend the rest of our lives.
We all have our own unique sense of how this love will look and act and feel. But many face the problem of how to find and develop it. What if there was a way to increase the likelihood that two people fall in love?
A psychologist named Arthur Aron and his team may have found exactly that. In 1997, he and other researchers conducted a study to explore whether closeness between two strangers could be fostered and accelerated by asking a series of personal questions (see Jones, 2015). They identified thirty-six different personal questions, broken up into three sets, with each set becoming increasingly intense and personal (Aron et al, 1997). The researchers found that these thirty-six questions did increase closeness between the participants, which is an important factor in building any relationship (Aron et al, 1997). Although there are other important aspects to a relationship, such as commitment, trust, dependence, and loyalty, and these may take longer to build, these questions could be the first step to developing that closeness with someone you're interested in.
Below is the list of the questions that Aron et al used in their study. They may not lead to love right off the bat, but they just might increase the closeness, intimacy, and understanding between you and the person you’re interested in. Even if you’re already married or in another type of long-term relationship, you could still use these questions to get to know your partner—and yourself—even more. Take a look and try them out!
Set I
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call/talking with someone, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternately share something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items each.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something else that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
References (In case you want to look up Aron's study for yourself)
Aron, Arthur, et al. “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, vol. 23, no. 4, Apr. 1997, pp. 363–77. DOI.org (Crossref), doi:10.1177/0146167297234003.
Jones, Daniel. “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.” The New York Times, 9 Jan. 2015. NYTimes.com, https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html