A Part or Apart?
Something in your relationship isn't working. That much you know. But what is it that isn't working?
It can be hard to tell if your relationship is going through a rough phase, or if it’s giving you a signal it's time to start down separate paths.
I'm not exactly an expert on this topic, so during my own relational rough patch, I asked for advice. I went to people I thought were knowledgeable about relationships and who are in different life stages from me. I gathered their advice, and I share some of it here. Since it comes from different people at different points in their lives, it may not all fit your situation. But I hope their thoughts at least encourage you to see your relationship from a new perspective.
Here's what I learned:
First, “Scan your relationship. Are there any red flags?
If you're having a hard time in your relationship, before thinking about what you should do, it’s important to check for signs that things are unhealthy. Is one partner controlling the other? Is there physical or emotional abuse? Are there different expectations about what a relationship is or how much time you want to be together? Do you differ in conflict styles and/or core values? If there are red flags, it may be necessary to first protect yourself and your partner before making decisions. What to do about the red flags (like, deciding if it's time to break up) should be a conversation that happens only after you are in a safe space.
“Be cautious about taking advice from others.”
I know. Ironic when I'm writing about advice from others, right? Most times, people base their advice on their own life experience. If someone tells you they see a red flag in your relationship, that may be something you want to consider seriously, as their outside perspective may be useful. But when someone tells you what you should do/shouldn't do based on their idea of what is or isn't possible, you may want to think twice. "You're too young, your relationship will never last, you're too different..." Sometimes such advice is useful, but sometimes it's just the limited experience of someone else. This can be especially true for those in long-distance relationships. Some people don't believe anyone can handle a long-distance relationship because they can't envision themselves handling one. But you and your partner may be capable of things they aren't. Listen to what people offer, then sift through advice for insights and ideas that fit your situation.
“There is always an answer inside you.”
When you find yourself at a rough point in your relationship, you and your partner may struggle because you don’t know what to do to fix it or even just make it a little better. Facing the struggle can be daunting, and you not know where to start. But try this: Tell yourself, “I already know the answer.” Then, go with your first reflex, and use whatever answer pops to mind to guide your thinking about what you and your partner can do. It’s a simple mind trick, but you may be more likely to find an answer if you tell yourself you already know it… You just have to trust yourself.
“Emotions can change, but being loving and affectionate is a choice you make every day.”
When we first start dating, we're often infatuated with the most intoxicating feelings. Everything seems perfect. This feeling can last for a while, but as time passes, you may notice you are slowly losing the “spark” that you two used to have so much of. Remember this: Emotions are situational. But, as you wake up every morning, you can choose what to love, and whom to devote your affection toward. So, if you and your partner both decide to choose to give love and affection to each other (doing the real "work" of being in a relationship), you may be able to continue a happy relationship for a long time, even if it looks different from what it was at the beginning.
“It’s okay to ask your partner for affection and validation. But they shouldn’t become your only source.”
In a healthy relationship, both sides should make the effort to meet each other's individual needs. That said, if you don’t feel good about yourself without your partner’s affirmation or validation, that may be at least a yellow flag. Self-love, as hard as it is, is important. You may feel a lot more stable when you can show affection, affirmation, and validation for yourself on your own, and then accepting your partner’s affection and affirmation on top of it.
So those are the big pieces of advice I received, and they helped us weather our rough patch. If they don't work for you, try asking people you respect for ideas that fit your relationship. You just might find the inspiration you need.
Finally, here are just a few short reminders people shared:
“Do you and your partner share common interests? Are you sure you're not just dating because the timing worked out at the start, but now you really don't have anything in common?”
“You don’t need to be in the same place to help each other grow together.”
“It is okay to tell your partner what you need and have a conversation about it.”