I went out for ice cream with my wife last night. We had a coupon to “Buy One Utterly, Totally, Preposterously Large Ice Cream Cone and Get One Free.” So of course we had to use the coupon, buying enough ice cream to meet the summer needs of a middle school soccer team. We ate it on a bench watching the cars go by then just sat there, bloated and cursing the coupon.
I mention this because a young family was there—mom, dad, grandma, and a 4-year-old-ish girl. Grandma and the little girl walked by carrying their tiny ice creams, followed soon after by mom. As she passed us, mom said in a loud, cheerful voice, “Jen, be careful when you’re picking wedgies in public!”
My wife snorted some mocha ice cream out her nose when I said, “Now there’s a piece of advice we should all take more seriously.”
That started me thinking…there’s a blog post in here. So I typed the line to be sure I had it right and texted it to myself: “Jen, be careful when you’re picking wedgies in public.” It's such sound advice.
Every human being who wears underwear (your great-aunt, the Pope, Beyonce, every Major League Baseball player) has, at one time or another, experienced a wedgie. On average, Target shoppers are probably more careful than Walmart shoppers at picking them in public, but sometimes you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do, regardless of where you’re shopping.
This young mom who’s trying to teach her daughter about wedgie etiquette (by shouting about wedgies in public…) is helping her daughter understand the social world in which she lives. Erving Goffman wrote about “face” back in the 1950s and 60s, laying out something we know intuitively but rarely give enough thought to. His basic premise is that we’re worried about how other people view us, so we present a certain “face” to them—a way we want to be perceived. Those of us who prefer not to have the nickname “Wedgie King” in high school will manage our wedgie picking carefully out of fear of being ostracized by our peers. Honestly, few things motivate humans of any age more than the fear of being pushed aside, ridiculed, not fitting in. Sure, there are some among us who say they don’t worry about such things, people who are “themselves” in any situation. “Who cares what everyone else thinks!” they say loudly, with confidence (to impress us). But even they care. And if a small number of them really don’t care, they’re probably unliked and mostly alone.
For Goffman, our social world is very much like a play. We show up in a certain setting/scene and act the part we’re supposed to so we'll fit in with the rest of the cast. You go to work, you act like a person at work. You don’t fart loudly or scream rude things or kick the cat. You save those choice behaviors for when you're at home with the people you love. You go out to a bowling alley or a Broadway musical and you choose different behaviors. You eat at McDonald’s versus Gramercy Tavern, go to dinner on a first date versus eat dinner with your grandma, hang out with your best friends versus have tea with the Queen, and on I could go proving my point: We’re always making choices about how to behave…about the care with which we pick our wedgies in public.
Again, we know this stuff intuitively, and we do it by reflex. But some of us are far better at it than others. Some of us are highly sensitive to social cues and detect immediately when we’re out of step with the play going on around us. Others (like Jen, with her public wedgie-picking), not so much. The latter might find themselves picked on at school or feeling left out at work, or even losing jobs for reasons they can’t explain. They may find they can’t keep friends around and aren’t sure why. Humans live in community; we need each other. And we want to be loved and accepted. So we adapt to the setting and the people around us, allowing us all to feel more comfortable. Because if we don't...well...what do you do when others make you uncomfortable? I'll bet your answer is: you avoid them the best you can.
Ultimately, this isn’t a charge to “act like you’re supposed to” in every setting, becoming a chameleon who’s never authentic or a pawn in someone else’s game. But it’s worth paying attention to how comfortable people seem with you. How are you doing in negotiating the social worlds you live in? If you’re picking a lot of wedgies in public (and I mean that figuratively, hopefully not literally), behaving in ways that are awkward and frustrating for those around you, you might consider listening to sweet little Jen’s mom. Maybe it's time to adjust your behavior (not your wedgie) at least in certain settings. If you're not sure what adjustments to make, just watch what others do and don't do.
Being authentically ourselves is essential to living a happy life, but so is being connected socially. There’s a fine line we all must walk between being me and being we. But it’s a walkable line that allows us to feel like we’re ourselves while still finding ways to be a comfortable part of the social worlds in which we and little Jen live.